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Stages Of Life
The Male Stages Of Life

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New Tax Laws
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2007 the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

  10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00       Which one would be your tax bracket?
    8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
    5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
    4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

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Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!

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Gentlemen Quiz
Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

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Successful Party Test
So, how do you tell if your throwing a successful, kick-ass, party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!

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Reasons To Be A Guy
Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

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Bathroom Stall Fun
Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

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You're An 80's Child If
You're an 80's child if...

You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.

You wanted to be on Star Search. (Come on, we all did)

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.

You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.

You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.

You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.

You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.

You know the profound meaning of ''Wax on, Wax off.''

You can name at least half of the members of the elite ''Brat Pack.''

You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!!

You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.

You know that another name for a keyboard is a ''Synthesizer.''

You hold a special place in your heart for ''Back to the Future.''

You know where to go if you ''Wanna go where everybody knows your name.''

You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)

You know what ''Sike'' means.

You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants

You wanted to be a Goonie - (hey u guyz!!)

You owned an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and trolls.

You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played ''Sam'' to be.

You ever wore fluorescent -neon if you will clothing...(or nail polish)

You could break dance, or wished you could. (I said hip hop....)

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)

You know all the words to ''Ice Ice Baby''.

You remember MC hammer well.

You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"

You own any cassettes.

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.

You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.

You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.

You wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy.

You wanted to have an alien like Alf living in your house.

You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.

You wore tights under shorts and felt stylish.

You ever had a Swatch Watch.

You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.

You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

You had Wonder Woman or Superman underwear.

You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

You Believed that ''By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power''

You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

Partying ''like it's 1999'' seemed SO far away!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a ''Child of the 80's.''

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Dirty Jokes Part VI
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

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Lifetime Jokes
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.  I mean, life is tough.  It takes a lot of your time.  What do you get at the end of it? A death.  What is that, a bonus?  I think the cycle is all backwards.  You should die first.  Get it out of the way.  Then live in an old age home.   You get kicked out when you're too young.  You get a gold watch and you go to work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You do drugs and alcohol.  You party.  You get ready for High School.  You go to grade school and become a kid.  You play.  You have no responsibilities.  You become a baby.  You go into the womb.  You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

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Physical Jokes
A woman is in the hospital giving birth, and she's up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby's head pops out and looks up at the nurse. "Are you my daddy?" asks the baby head. Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, "Uh, no, I'm not your dad, Ill run and go get him!". With this, the baby's head turns to the doctor and says, "Are you my daddy?". "My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute." Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees him and says, "Are you my daddy?" To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby's head and says, "Yes, son, I'm your father."

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Pickup Lines
These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults...

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Dirty Jokes Part V
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".

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Not To A Naked...
Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man...

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Office Humor
The longer you're part of the corporate work force, the more humorous this area becomes.

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Amazing Anagrams
Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging letter of other words or phrases. This is a list of some pretty dam good ones, obviously there are people out there with way too much time on their hands.

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Calling the Jackass
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!!  Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!  Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!  I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.  After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk.  I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"  It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID.  This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea.  I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.  "Hi.  This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"  He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.  I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

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If You're Non-Religious
Fun things for Non-Christians to do in church...

Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."

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Application To Live In...
Here are a selection of applications to live in various destinations...

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Don't Say To A Cop
Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

I only had one officer Mr. Keg..

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Monica Book Titles
Possible Titles for Lewinsky's New Book...

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

She's Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

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Witnesses Visiting
Funs Things to do to When Jehovah Witnesses Come to Visit...

Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

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Year 2000 Programs
Millennium Year Application Software System

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that she had her nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

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Things That Piss Me Off
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

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Really Annoy People
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

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Women's Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system...

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Good Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

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Weird Jokes
A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.  As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.   Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.  Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"  The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

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Product Wording
This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

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Worlds Smallest Books
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

The Australian Book of Foreplay

The Book of Motivated Postal Workers

Americans' Guide to Etiquette

The World Guide to Good American Beer

Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages

Safe Places to Travel in the USA

Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity

Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

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Elevator Fun
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

more jokes.