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Blonde Cooking
Sometimes being a blonde isn't easy,
especially if you're cooking...
MONDAY
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan
me some extra bowls.
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Police Quotes
These are actual police officer quotes
collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic
violations.
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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Now
And Then
THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.
THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.
THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.
THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.
THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.
THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.
THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.
THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.
THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.
THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.
THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.
THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.
THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.
THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.
THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.
THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.
THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.
THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.
THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.
THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"
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Biggest Lies
This is the biggest collection, of the
world's biggest lies ever told...
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Chilli Contest
CHILLI JUDGING CONTEST
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city
park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck,
when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
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Men
or Cookie Dough
Reasons Why Cookie Dough is Better than
Men...
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavoured.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding
like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
33. You can sculpt it into ANY form you want.
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Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with
a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company
(IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field
engineers regarding a computer peripheral problem. The author of
this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences...
To: Whom this may concern
Re: Replacement of mouse balls
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may
need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using
the pop off method.
Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse
balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling
can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare
balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls
is an unhappy customer.
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Number of the Beast
OK, we all know that 666 is the
number of the Beast, but did you know that...
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
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Dear
Dogs and Cats
Dear Dogs and Cats,
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California Drive Exam
For those of you who are not "fortunate"
enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California
Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is
a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los
Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of
Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's
test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.
Here it is below:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate
a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please
explain:________________________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on
the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone
company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
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Lessons In Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.
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Teen
Commandments
1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are
sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave 'em in the middle)
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Dirty Jokes Part XXXIV
A young woman was having a physical examination and
was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last
bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess
I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't
feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue
depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your
mouth and say moo."
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Most
Embarrassing
The following are the top four winners from
a "Most Embarrassing Moments" contest:
1. "While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right
now,'
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right
now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last
night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the
last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in
tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter."
2. "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at
home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to
my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire
family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, and all my friends
were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of
shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
party again."
3. "One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come
upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at
a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out
for all the store to
hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.' That was
bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like
tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND
YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?'"
4. "This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of
this year in a biology class; the professor was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her
hand and asked, 'If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of
glucose in male semen as in sugar?' 'That's correct,' responded the
professor, going
on to add statistical information. Raising her hand again, the girl
asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence,
the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned
bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently
said (or rather implied), she picked up her books with out a word
and walked out of class...and
never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the
Professor's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered
her question, 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for
sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your
throat.''
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Funny Quips
Benny: Who's your favourite fiction writer?
Murray: My accountant.
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Housekeeping Tips
Tomorrow I will do the housework,
NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones)
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes
the door from the inside.
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Doable Resolutions
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you
never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually
accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting
point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest
ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or
rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about my faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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Ultimate Redneck Test
You score points for every statement
below that applies to you. You will notice that some items have
double points, because they count in more than one category. In
other words, if you �have spent more on your pickup truck than on
your education,� you get 10 points in the car category and another
10 under education for 20 total points.
The Redneck Test for Cars and Trucks
1 Point: You've ever parked a vehicle in a tree. (2 points if it was
a Camero)
1 Point: You have a rag for a gas cap. (2 points if you regularly
drive the car)
1 Point: You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
car. (2 points if it has been there for more than a month, 3 points
if more than 3 months. Continue to add 1 point each month.)
2 Points: You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
2 Points: Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and
primer gray. (Add one more for each additional color)
2 Points: The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as
the front ones.
2 Points: When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
(Double points: Car & Booze = 4 total)
5 Points: You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
5 Points: You consider your license plate personalized because your
father made it in prison. (Double points: Car & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: You mow your lawn and find a car. (Add 5 points for each
additional car you find.)
5 Points: There is more than one car up on blocks in the front yard.
(Double points: Car & Home Decorating = 10 total per car) 10 Points:
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
(Double points: Car & Education = 20 total) Jeffroe Hatfield holds
the high score for this section at 221 points. Jeffroe mowed his
lawn last summer and discovered 4 trucks and 3 cars. (6 were
actually in the grass. One was a Camero in a tree that he could not
see because the grass was that high.) Four had hefty bags in the
passenger windows and 6 had rags for gas caps. He poured gin in
their gas tanks, but could only get one to start. He put wide rear
tires on that one along with the license plate that his father made.
He plans to haul hay bales in it. The rest he put up on blocks in
the front yard and has partially painted with primer. Jeffroe
Hatfield says, �Ya�ll forget that book learnin� in an hour, but a
good truck � now thar�s somethin� a man can be proud of.�
The Redneck Dogs, Hunting and Road Kill Test
2 Points: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
tree. (Double points: Dog & Hygiene = 4 total)
2 Points: Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. (Double
points: Hunting & Family = 4 total)
5 Points: You have forgotten which coat is sprayed in deer-pee, and
worn it to church.
5 Points: You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting
dog. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 10 total)
5 Points: Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total)
5 Points: You and your friends sit on your roof at Christmas time
hoping to fill your deer quota. (Triple points: Hunting,
Entertainment & Friends = 5 points per person)
5 Points: You've ever tried to hit a deer with your vehicle ... on
purpose! (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total) 10 Points: If
you succeeded in hitting a deer with your vehicle � again on
purpose. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 20 total) 20 Points: You
have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
Bubba McCow is top gun in this category with 102 points. Bubba�s
Christmas rituals are legendary. Every year (after he gives both his
Grandma�s ammo), Bubba and his 3 buddies climb up on the roof with
their shotguns and a case of PBR beer in hopes of bagging Rudolf.
This eventually led to his wife, Maycee, to ask for a divorce. She
sued for custody of their 2 prize hunting dogs. Now he hunts with
his 1976 Chevy Bonanza truck � no gun � no dogs � just the truck.
Maycee says, �Christmas was a annual nightmare. Those idiots shot
out every light in the trailer park. But those 3 stuffed skunks in
the bedroom � I couldn�t sleep � Their presence permeated the house
all year long.�
The Redneck Education Guide
2 Points: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
2 Points: The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
"Trucking Institute". (Double Points: Education & Decorating = 4
total)
5 Points: Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry
has an opening on the lube rack. (Double Points: Education & Family
= 10 total) 20 Points: You missed 5th grade graduation because you
had jury duty.
25-year-old Sherwood Fleabalm is the most recent individual to rack
up the 36 possible points in this section. After completing 6th
grade last year, Mr. Fleabalm went to work at Larry�s Lube Shop, but
they all felt he was �snooty, � because he had so much education. He
recently graduated from the Alabama School of Trucking and
Cosmetology. Sherwood says, �Ah tell awl ma cousins ta git a good
ed-joo-cay-shun.�
The Redneck Entertainment Challenge
1 Point: You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high
dive.
1 Point: The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection.
1 Point: You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are
at work.
1 Point: You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
(Double Points: Cars & Entertainment = 2 total)
5 Points: You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
5 Points: You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself.
5 Points: You've been too drunk to fish. (Double Points: Booze &
Entertainment = 10 total)
5 Points: You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment. (Double Points: Alcohol & Entertainment = 10 total)
10 Points: You celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!) 10
Points: You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
20 Points: You win the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
Clyde Calpepper, holder of the top score (75 points) in this
category, has wide ranging interests: Conrad Twitty, wrestling, and
stock car racing to name a few. For winning the Groundhog Day
Spittin� Contest last year, he received 2 C.B.s, a bug-zapper, a
year�s supply of beer and a trip to Sea World. Clyde says, �Ah bean
too drunk ta walk, but dis was da first time I ever bean too drunk
ta fish. Else ah wooda got me one of dem Or-a-kin fish.�
Redneck Food and Booze Test
1 Point: You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
1 Point: You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are major food
groups.
1 Point: You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
1 Point: You�ve made a pyramid of beer cans. (Double Points: Booze &
Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Points: You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
2 Points: You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
2 Points: Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
six-pack.
5 Points: You have lost one tooth opening a beer bottle. (Double
Points: Booze & Hygiene = 10 total points for each tooth)
5 Points: Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into
sporting events. (Triple Points: Booze, Family & Entertainment = 15
total) 10 Points: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people".
10 Points: Your beer can collection is considered a tourist
attraction in your hometown. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment =
20 total) 10 Points: You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
mph. (Triple Points: Hunting, Food & Truck = 30 total) 10 Points:
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. (Triple Points:
Hygiene, Dogs & Food= 30 total) Thelma Lou Eisenmeyer�s (80 Points
)beer can collection draws tourists from 7 counties, so she decided
to put in a concession stand serving barbequed Spam on a cracker,
beef jerky, Moon Pies, pork & beans and beer. Sometimes, she�ll even
serves deer burgers, if her brother �gets lucky.� She rents
Styrofoam containers for those who want to carry out and dreams of
expanding her little restaurant into a KFC and liquor store. Thelma
Lou says, �Da Ul-ti-mat Redneck Test is da most ex-sight-in� thang
that�s ever heppen to me. The onlyest thang that would could be
betta, is to meet Mr. Jack Daniels hisself.�
The Redneck Friends and Family Test
1 Point: You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
1 Point: Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the
Kennedy Center. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 2 total)
2 Point: A ceiling fan has ever ruined your female family member�s
hairdo.
2 Points: Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. (Double
Points: Family & Car = 4 total)
5 Points: Your spouse or child weighs more then your refrigerator.
5 Points per Relative: A living relative is named after a southern
civil war general.
5 Points: You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
5 Points: Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this
afore I flush it." (Triple Points: Family, Hygiene & Entertainment =
15 total) 10 Points: Your neighbors think you're a detective because
a cop always brings you home.
10 Points: Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 20
total) 20 Points: You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet
`Ms. Right'.
20 Points: Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Jeff Davis, a real family man, holds the high point honors (101) in
this category. Every weekend he goes with his mother, tag-team
wrestler Super-Sized Dolly, and his son, Jeff Davis Junior, to the
zoo or the racetrack. Jeff�s neighbors say. �His gene pool doesn't
have a �deep end� and his family tree doesn't fork.� Jeff replies,
�There�s nothing wrong with marrying your cousin. After all, my
sister married her uncle.� Super-Sized Dolly says, �Jeff Boy! Git
that tooth pick out a yar mouth!� Jeff Junior adds, �Ah am proud a
ma pa, �cause he dumps the biggest turds in the county.�
Home Decorating
1 Point per Item: You prominently display a gifts bought at
Graceland.
1 Point: You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
1 Point: You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
1 Point: The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road".
1 Point: Your boat has not left the driveway in a long time. (Double
Points: Decorating & Entertainment = 2 points for every year)
2 Point per Item: Your wife has a Budweiser knick-knack collection �
clocks, figurines, mugs etc.
2 Points: Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
2 Points: The Salvation Army declines your stuff.
5 Points: There is a stuffed formerly alive animal anywhere in your
house. (Double Points: Home & Road kill = 10 points per animal)
5 Points per Decoration: The neighbors started a petition over your
Christmas lights.
5 Points per Painting: You own a painting on black velvet. (10
points if it�s Elvis)
5 Points: You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
(Double Points: Home & Hygiene = 10 total)
5 Points: Your home has more miles on it than your car.
10 Points: Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
10 Points: You burn your yard rather than mow it or decide it�s just
easier to spray Round-Up all over everything.
10 Points: Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
10 Points: You have to go outside to get something out of the
'fridge.
10 Points: You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.
10 Points per Item Brought Home: You come back from the dump with
more than you took.
20 points: If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night
involves putting on shoes, a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
25 points: A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000
worth of improvement.
Noted art-on-velvet painter Charlene Blumenshine scored the most
points (268 without a tornado hitting the neighborhood) in this
section. Last summer, she and her taxidermist husband, Furd, burned
the yard around their trailer, so it would be easier to get to the
bathroom and refrigerator. To their surprise, they discovered their
boat and the 3 toilets she brought home from the dump and planted
flowers in 2 years ago. But the biggest advantage was now they can
see their year-round Christmas display even better. Charlene
regularly gets to the Stinky�s Gas and Grill for the newest
Budweiser clock or Elvis collectible. Their neighbor is lawyer, Reid
Stromsburg. He says, �Christmas lights 12 months a year! Enough!�
Romance
1 Point: Dolly Parton reminds you of the �Grand Tetons'.
5 Points for every time: You've ever climbed a water tower with a
bucket of paint.
5 Points for every time: You wake up with both a black eye and a
hickey.
5 Points per girlfriend: You have spray painted your girlfriend's
name on an overpass. (Double points if your girlfriend was a
cousin.) 10 Points: You honestly think that women are turned on by
animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
15 Points per wife: You dated your daddy's current wife in high
school. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 30 total per wife)
15 Points per year: You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and
wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. (Double Points:
Family & Romance = 30 total per year) 20 points: Ya can't get
married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it. (Double
Points: Family & Romance = 40 total) It�s a rare weekend when
Romance Redneck, Zechariah Filmore (total 150 points), doesn�t have
a black eye or hickey � generally both. His tongue gestures and
animal noises just seem to raise a ruckus. The water tower in Point
Pleasant, Iowa is a catalog of his girlfriends. (3 were cousins. 2
dated his daddy, but only one married him.) �Ah always brung the
mistletoe to owr family Christmas dinner,� Zechariah says.
Wardrobe and Hygiene
1 Point: You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the
left arm below the shirtsleeve.
1 Point: You own at least 10 baseball hats.
2 Points: You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill
of a baseball hat.
2 Points: You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occasions
5 Points: When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to
pull up your jeans.
5 Points: Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
buckle.
5 Points: Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth
and you take them out to see what it is.
5 Points: You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls,
a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear
5 Points: Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you
can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. (Double Points: Family &
Wardrobe = 10 total) 10 Points: You offer to give someone the shirt
off your back and they don't want it.
10 Points per Time: You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
10 Points per Time: You've ever worn a tube top or a beer T-shirt to
a wedding.
10 Points per Time: You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
10 Points per Time: You have been fired from a construction job
because of your appearance.
15 Points: You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a
month.
15 Points: Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your
hair.
15 Points: You can tell your age by the number of rings in the
bathtub.
�Ah have a special matching Pabst Blue Ribbon T-shirt and baseball
hat that Ah wear only for formal occasions,� says Marty Eager. It�s
that philosophy that brought him to the top of the Redneck Wardrobe
category (91 points). Marty�s baseball hat collection is so
extensive that he can wear a different hat everyday for 2 months.
�Of course, he doesn�t,� says his wife Gertrude. �He wears the same
one till it�s frayed and you can�t tell the original color. Then I
git mad and throw it out.� �You WHAT!� says Marty. �Don�t you go
near ma belt buckle collection.� �But yoo cain�t wear �em with
overalls,� replies Mrs. Eager. The Eager bath tub was 25 rungs and
Exxon currently has the oil rights to Mary�s hair.
A Test on the Miscellaneous Qualities Unique to the American Redneck
1 Point: You don�t know what miscellaneous means.
1 Point for Every Time: You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
1 Point for Every Time: You've ever made change in the offering
plate.
5 Points: You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
5 Points: You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
5 Points: The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
5 Points: You have started a petition to change the National Anthem
to "Georgia on My Mind".
10 Points: Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
10 Points: You are still holding on to confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
Some qualities unique to the redneck defy categorization. Emma Lou
McCormick excels in this area with 136 points. Every Sunday, Emma
Lou makes change in the collection plate and greets her minister at
the Baptist Church of Amazing Grace with, �How�s it hangin� over
yonder dare padre.� She always laughs after she says it � alone.
Sixteen-year old Miss Harris is a proud employee of the Podunk,
Georgia Wal-Mart. �The most excitin� thang that ever happened to me
before da Ultimate Redneck Test � gushes Emma Lou, � was inheritin�
ma gram�s confederate money. I�m gonna use it ta finance ma dream �
a fireworks stand. Ah�m gonna do it, too, in jest a few yars, when I
finish eighth grade.�
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==========================================***************************===================================
Signs Of Maturity
1. Your house plants are alive, and
you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
this doesn't apply to you.
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Women's Dictionary
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A
discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't
realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled
over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the
lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat
and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can
understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to
go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally
resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour
writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style
you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in
space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of
contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty
of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere
and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set
and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating,
marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry,
shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of
a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself
lucky to get a card!
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==========================================***************************===================================
Redneck Sex Test
1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False
2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False
5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False
10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False
15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve".
True or False
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Political Jokes II
George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really
hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured
him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a
bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here,
I'll show you what I mean."
Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver,
"Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney.
Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney
then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess
I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."
The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over
and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you
go! Don't worry about their opinions!"
Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and
whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of
a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called
instead!
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Crude Sex Jokes VIII
Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard
and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit
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Dirty Jokes Part XXXIII
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling
water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls
out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".
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Southern Terms
Southern Medical Terms
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section............... A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Pretty near killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.......................... One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................... Near by/close by
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Autopsy Details
Your doctor has scheduled you for an autopsy
on ___________ at _______ AM/PM. St. Amgems Hospital wants you to be
prepared for what should be an eventful time. This guide should
answer the most common questions in regard to your procedure. Please
call your doctor's office if you have any further questions. Please
remember, autopsies are performed on an "as needed" procedure. If
you, or a qualified Medical Examiner chooses to cancel your autopsy,
the Pathology department requires 24 hours notice.
WHAT IS AN AUTOPSY?
As advanced as medical science is, sometimes we need more thorough
procedures to find out why your living status has been impaired. An
autopsy can include CAT scans, X-rays, and surgical evaluation.
WILL IT INVOLVE SURGERY?
Yes. At times when there is a lack of obvious traumatic impact,
surgery is needed. Your doctor may wish to examine your vital
organs. This involves removal of the organs for the purpose of
study. The contents of your stomach will also be examined, so we
urge you not to take anything by mouth for 12 (twelve) hours before
cessation of your existence or the procedure.
WILL IT HURT?
We certainly hope not. If at any time you're feeling uncomfortable,
please feel free to alert the pathologist.
WHAT SHOULD I BRING?
We recommend a very large, empty suitcase. Ideally, your family
should sign a "permission for disposal" form. If this has been done,
you'll be provided with an effects bag and all unwanted matter will
be disposed of in a device affectionately known as "Chuckie". It can
also be helpful for you to bring anything that might have
contributed to your current condition. This can include any drugs
containers from medications you might have ingested.
WHEN CAN I RETURN TO WORK?
Not for a while. We suggest you worry about this after your autopsy.
WILL I HAVE A SCAR?
We take vanity in consideration. You may have a large "Y" shaped
incision on your torso. There may also be some scalp incisions that
can be covered by a competent professional.
WILL YOU LAUGH AT MY WEENIE?
Yes. Pathology is a profession fraught with stress and alcoholism.
Your doctor may already have placed you in the Weenie Relocation
Program (WRP) which means your weenie might end up in any number of
body cavities, at the whim of your doctor. Should you not want us to
laugh at your weenie, we suggest you dispose of it beforehand.
We at St. Amgems want your autopsy to be a positive experience and
promise to treat your earthly remains with dignity and respect
(aside from the weenie dealie). Please refer to our brochures
"Cadaver's Bill of rights" and "So You're Dead. What Next?" for more
information.
Remember, here at St. Amgems, our day starts when yours ends!
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==========================================***************************===================================
Pregnancy Jokes
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a
model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
Adult picture
==========================================***************************===================================
Help
Desk Callers
During my years working in IT
support, I have become more and more interested in the many types of
people who call IT help desks. Like a biologist, I have found that
having a classification system is critical in understanding the
users that I help on a daily basis. It is with this in mind, and
with my tongue in my cheek, that I have categorized users into the
following species:
1. "The Expert": Userus expertia
"The Expert" user is the curse of most IT support establishments.
Experts try out something they heard about from "the bloke in the
pub," an unqualified expert on everything who offers advice to
anyone who will listen. Experts usually make a complete mess of
their systems when they follow the bloke's advice. Then they
compound the problem by trying to fix it themselves, often
destroying their machines. As a last resort, they call the help desk
and demand that their machines be replaced or mended immediately, as
they have urgent work that can't wait. There has been an Expert at
every place I have worked. I leave it to you to decide who your
resident Expert is.
2. "The Fiddler": Userus manipulata
The motto of "The Fiddler" is: "I wonder what happens if...." I've
placed these callers next because they are the most closely related
to the Expert. These callers don't realize that some files actually
make their computers work. If they don't recognize a file as one of
their own, they delete it and are surprised when something then
stops working. Unlike the Expert, they don't say anything about the
problem; you only discover it months later from a casual remark,
such as, "Oh no, that hasn't worked for ages. I meant to call you."
Fiddlers are usually very pleasant people�who will drive you mad.
3. "The Mouse": Userus rodentia
"The Mouse" is more common than the previous two and fortunately
less harmful. For this species of caller, the big gray box is a
source of blind terror. I can remember talking on the phone to a
Mouse at a UK communications company. She had worked in a telephone
exchange for years and was suddenly given a PC to help her. She had
not asked for it and didn't want it. The screen was making strange
noises, and she was concerned.
"I don't want it to explode or anything," she wailed.
"No," I said patronizingly, "they don't explode. There's no
explosive in them." Then I heard a loud "BANG!" through the phone.
"What was that?" I asked. "My screen has just exploded," she
replied.
4. "The Train Spotter": Userus geekissimus
"The Train Spotter" is most often the offspring of an Expert and a
Fiddler. These callers are usually harmless and don't have many
computer problems. What they do have is an IT magazine, which they
have read from cover to cover. The Train Spotter will invariably
corner an unsuspecting help desk tech and proceed to bore the tech
rigid by sharing their knowledge. The main difference between Train
Spotters and other callers is that Train Spotters do not usually
phone the help desk; they visit in person.
I'm not quite sure what they want from the help desk, but they take
up a lot of time asking various questions about new innovations,
about which I usually know nothing. I have found no explanation for
the existence of this user other than that the Expert and Fiddler
conceived the Train Spotter on a trip to a computer trade fair.
5. "The Paranoid User": Userus newbigata
"Paranoid Users" are convinced that the computer has an intelligence
of its own and is out to get them. The machine is constantly doing
something that causes a problem. The computer will maliciously alter
their documents, obliterate all references to their passwords, and
lose work they have saved. If a machine is ever going to break down,
it will be while being used by a Paranoid. This species' one saving
grace is determination. They never give up, as much as you wish they
would.
6. "The I'm-building-a-case User": Userus fabricatum
"The I'm-building-a-case User" is grinding an axe to get some new
gadget brought in to his department or have an old one taken away.
They report hundreds of trivial problems, hoping upper management
will buy them the latest all-singing and all-dancing machine. The
real problem with this species of caller is the fact that they are
usually not trying to replace computer equipment. This user doesn't
see the difference between computers and any other piece of office
equipment. I have often been required to pass opinions on all kinds
of electrical equipment even after pointing out my lack of knowledge
on the subject. I do not evaluate coffee makers. I do not drink
coffee, and I know nothing about the black arts involved in its
production.
7. "The Just-testing User": Userus gustulata
"The Just-testing User" is not even using a computer but wants to
test your knowledge and, if possible, trip you up. The best
technique for dealing with this species is by answering questions
with "I don't know." They cannot deal with this straight
capitulation. Most Just-testing users would love the chance to show
your boss how useless you are or how little you know. They are
thrilled when you give a wrong answer and will crow about it
incessantly.
8. "Pig Pen": Userus perfumia
Based on the Charles M. Schulz Peanuts character, "Pig Pen" has the
messiest, most unhygienic work area in the company. Pig Pen's
personal hygiene is fine; it is only the workspace that is a hazard.
It is a graveyard for old coffee cups, half-eaten green sandwiches,
used Kleenex, and moldy sock collections. Pig Pens are some of the
nicest and most technically able people you know. They usually give
the help desk very little trouble except when their keyboard needs
replacing, which is often. Pig Pen is a mainstay of most companies,
the backbone of whatever department he or she works for. If that
were not the case, the company would have let them go years ago.
9. "The I-don't-want-to-hear-that! User": Userus headinsandia
This is a rather curious species. They call, ask a question, and if
they don't hear what they want, they take it personally. I always
wonder why they ask, if they don't want to know the answer. It does
not seem to matter that what they want is not possible. All they
want is to hear the answer they're looking for.
10. "The End-of-my-tether User": Userus adlimitus
This is the angriest but, perversely, often the easiest to deal
with. After spending weeks attempting to resolve their own queries,
they finally swallow their pride and call the help desk. Calls from
this type of user usually end in one of three ways:
1. The problem's solution can be found simply by reading page 1 of
his instruction manual, which, of course, the caller has not done.
2. The caller is informed that the operation she is trying to
perform cannot be performed with the equipment or software that she
has.
3. The caller has already found a solution but phoned the help desk
to let you know how frustrated, mad, or unsatisfied he is.
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Best
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Hotel Slogans
This is a list of rejected slogans for that
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Doctor Notes
These are actual notes from Doctors patient
charts...
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Work
Phrases
Here are a number of useful phrases you can
use at work...
Post your resume, find job here.
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My
Stupid Ex
You want to know how stupid my ex really
is? Note, most of these are equal opportunity insults. If your ex is
female instead of male, just switch the pronoun.
Manila sexy escort.
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Employee Handbook
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a
$600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to
learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to
work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now
a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
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Dirty Jokes Part XXXII
Darren marries this girl, and they go on their
honeymoon. He leaves the room the first night to go down to the
lobby to get a pack of cigarettes. When he gets back, his bride is
lying on the bed naked fucking one of the bellhops. Another one is
under her, getting her in the ass. She's sucking off the desk clerk,
and she's jerking off a cab driver and the dishwasher. Darren
screams, "What the fuck are all these jerk-offs doing in here?" She
says, "Well, you always knew I was a flirt."
more jokes.